My anger always seems to border the tip of my tongue caught between my honest words and my guarded heart. Constant questioning of why I isolate myself when I am the most upset but the reality comes down to the self loathing that seems to have grown over the years. I don’t think I could bear to see you weighed down by my burdens. Above all I don’t think I could bear to see your pure heart tainted by my angered words. You don’t deserve to have to endeavor the resentment and bitterness that I hold for myself. You were always and will always be the better half of me. I won’t allow my emotions to be directed at you. In reality, I’m protecting you from myself.
I was never a good person.
Get it together, Aimi.
Hi, my name is Aimi and I am no longer the person I once was.
Hi, my name is Aimi and I have lost all motivation, ambition, and drive.
Hi, my name is Aimi and my grades have fallen to pieces.
Hi, my name is Aimi and I have once again been rediagnosed with Major Depression.
Hi, my name is Aimi and I am at high risk of having a bipolar disorder.
Hi, my name is Aimi and I am once again seeking professional help.
Hi, my name is Aimi and I’m extremely disappointed in myself.
Hi, my name is Aimi and I realize only I can fix myself.
Hi, my name is Aimi and I want to change and be a better person.
Hi, my name is Aimi and I will work towards being the best person I can be.
A reminder to myself:
I hope you never forget the people in life who pushed you to be stronger, even if it meant that they hurt you at some point. I hope you never forget the people who touched your heart; there are people with good that exist in the world. Most important of all, despite the sense of self-loathing that seems to have grown over the years, I hope you never forget that there are people that love you.
I needed another reminder.
I think the older I got the more comfortable I came with being alone. I don’t mind shopping by myself, eating by myself, just the idea of being by myself. Maybe that’s a sign that I’m going be alone for the rest of my life.
I used to admire your carelessness, but lately I’m beginning to understand there is a fine line between you being careless and you being reckless. You might be care free but you also seem to care little for the value of your friendships and that’s a shame to me. I think what bothers me the most, is the last time I saw you, when I attempted to be open with you, I let you know that I was putting my trust and faith in you because I believed you were a good guy at heart and that’s something I never do. Maybe I’m irritating to you, but I’m not ashamed of the fact that I care for the people and relationships in my life.
I guess when it comes down to it, both you and your brother are the same, reminders of why I shouldn’t fully trust anyone.
I wasn’t always this heavy-hearted, I don’t know how or when I got to this point, but I can promise you, I wasn’t always like this. I wasn’t always this tainted but it seems that many sins have stained my innocence. I can tell you, however, I have always been honest and maybe that’s why I become seemingly more unbearable. The heavy-heartedness was apparent to others and they couldn’t handle it. They couldn’t cope with my moody days and my constant sadness. Maybe that’s why they all left me in the end. I’m so alone, I can’t explain to you why I feel this way, it’s oh too complex for you or me to understand. I can tell you, however, the more my heavy-hearted feelings grow, the more the people around me leave, and the more I need the constant affection and love from those around me.
I wasn’t always this heavy-hearted.
Truth is, I blame myself more than I blame you for the end of everything. I got too caught up in the rest of the world and took us for granted. But at the same time I can’t set the blame on either of us specifically. We each had different priorities in our life, I think that was our biggest set back, different ideals of what a relationship should be like. For someone as frail as myself, I idolized stability, foundation and honesty and for a hopeless romantic like you, you only idolized the idea of ‘us’. We got so caught up in our ideals that we forget about each other maybe that’s why we were never on the same page. For what it’s worth, I hope you find happiness because even if I tried, I could never hate you.
I think people tend to forget that doing what’s best for you may not make you happy immediately. It’s similar to a bad habit, a daily routine, a tendency you can’t simply forget and you feel the absence. It’s resisting the temptation; the late night phone calls, heavy eye lids, sleepy breaths, and heartfelt words. You can’t help but miss it. Remind yourself why you did it, why you needed to. Remind yourself to stay strong. Remind yourself that you’re not as alone as you feel.